Ask Doc Rock | Desperately Seeking...Self
Dear Doc. Rock I am really struggling. For 18 years of my life, I lived in a dysfunctional family. I've gone through a rough divorce as well as neglect and some abuse as well as having autistic family members.
At almost 20, I feel like I am finally breaking. I've thrown all my issues into a closet and hid them from everyone as I was forced to do this my entire life from parents orders. I have been forced to pretend to be someone I am not my entire life. I am now realizing I have no idea who I am anymore. I am a lot like you actually... happy all the time, constantly smiling, laughing, trying to be a positive light in this dark world.
Except no one knows that I am slowly killing myself.
I think even you'd be shocked. With almost no family support most of my life, my life forces me to be independent. Unfortunately, because of my past, I am a very dependent person. To this day I have to constantly depend on others for help just to survive. Fun part of being alone, right?
I am a constant burden to everyone I come into contact with.
Anyways, to skip ahead, I started dating this guy who is just the most genuine, kind-hearted, caring, man I have ever met. And it has been...tough. Stupid right? He is everything that every girl has ever dreamed of and I'm already messing it up. I guess because of my past, I feel like I don't deserve anything. I deal with self hatred everyday along with self harming. I can barely even look in a mirror anymore. I don't know why I think everything is my fault. I just want to believe in me. This man might be a blessing in my life and I need to let him in before I ruin something that has barely begun. He knows almost everything about what I am going through and is there with me through it all.
I'm not really sure what kind of advice I am asking for. This is just a tiny glimpse into my life and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I've been through a lot. More than the average young adult, and I am so thankful for it because it has made me a much stronger person. But you can't be strong without healing your wounds. I know time is healing, but before I know it, I'll be a 50 year old woman wondering where I went wrong? This was really difficult for me to even decide to write to someone. I hate asking for help. I hate attention. I hide myself behind the laughter. I hide me. I guess what I am asking is... How can I learn who I am? How can I learn to love myself? Sincerely, Silently Suffering
This really hurts my heart.
Everyone comes to a point in their life where they just want to discover who they are and what they're here for. It's funny because I was just having a conversation with someone recently and they asked me if I was a religious person. I told them that I believe there is a higher power that designed life as we know it. I happen to call mine 'God'. I believe that we are all born for a purpose and our lives are designed for us to learn what we're here for. What were we meant to bring to the world and the people who surround us? We all come to this point at different times, or maybe not at all. The key though, is to really believe everything happens for a reason. Good things seem better when you have experienced challenges. Tough things happen to help us grow and become stronger people. I urge you to try and look for the positives in everything. I've said this to someone before that you can never give someone ELSE your 100% if you are not 100% with yourself. There is nothing wrong with letting someone love you. If this guy sees all your faults and still wants to stay by your side, then let him. In time, you will feel comfortable and safe with him. Your confidence in yourself and in him will grow. Don't be afraid to be in new situations.
Forgive but do not forget your past because it has brought you to where you are today.
Don't talk yourself out of being happy.
Appreciate those who appreciate you.
Be thankful that you have what you do because many are less fortunate than you are. This is the time of year for happiness, don't let it go to waste. Sending you positive vibes and strength! Rock