Ask Doc Rock | Just Because You Are Alive Does Not Mean You Are Living
Dear Doc Rock,
Well I don't know how to start.. I have so many thoughts on my mind.. its hard to focus on one of them.. I'll try to sum it up... As a child I'd been so naive.. My parents' divorce was difficult to handle.. my step parents hit me.. I wasn't happy in any house, in the end, I ended up living with a relative for some months...but their sons didn't want me to be there.
I've always had that in my mind.. at the age of 13 I had a teacher he was so kind.. he always was taking care of me.. at the end.. he tried to rape me.. he almost did.. so it was like the most difficult part to deal.. I didn't tell anyone. I changed schools but the psychologist thought I had gay tendencies she made my life a living hell.
My mother is the kind of mother that doesn't allow me to do anything... when I was studying in high school she didn't allow me to have girlfriends, so I was trying to deal with that. In the end I realized I like guys, but still couldn't date anyone. When I reached college, things were a little different. I dated guys... no one good.. all played with me .. cheated on me. I was feeling like the ugliest person in the world my self esteem was very low and I started cutting myself.. It seemed the right thing to do because it made me feel like I was in control.
I was depressed and didn't want this life... I'm feeling this again and don't know what to do. My mother was still controlling me which was hell too. I took a trip to Neverland and I enjoyed most of my time. I told my mom I would stay forever so she said she would change and that I should come back and I did it was a new beginning. I was chubby my whole life, Im still a fat guy. The anxiety is killing my will to lose weight. I'm always feeling hungry. I lost some weight, but guys still didn't want me.. In the end, I stayed with a handsome guy that likes husky guys like me, but I don't feel good in this body... Fast forward and my mom found messages in my phone and her and my dad kicked me out for being gay, saying that they didn't want me to infect my siblings. They called 3 days later being sorry... my mother still doesn't accept it but she is dealing with it. My depression is still there I can feel it.. I don't want to live this world.. Im just to coward to commit suicide. Im still in this relationship and he is supportive of me, but I'm still sad and don't know why. I was seeing another psychologist, but he kissed me.. and touched me. I honestly don't feel safe in this world and I don't know what I expect of writing you... Everyone always says to think of good things, but my mind does not let me. I need to lose weight, I need to be another guy.
I have a masters degree and I still feel like I don't deserve being here. I just wanna cry living in my own nightmare...I wanna wake up..but I can't.
Thanks for helping.
Dear Living Dead, I had a friend who was in a very similar situation to yours. It is truly heart-wrenching reading about someone going through incredibly hard times like yours and it's even harder to see it first hand. She too had trouble reaching out for help with growing up and growing into a young woman, and when she did, someone she trusted was found to have been sexually assaulting young girls her age. That moment traumatized her. To face that someone who was supposed to be her helper and her guide and trusted was abusing his position and that one of those girls could've been her. Further on down the road, she still faces depression and problems forming relationships. Constantly searching for that "special" connection. Not to mention she was battling her weight and her self-esteem was really low. But then something changed. She LET herself be happy. She embraced who she is, and realized she can do anything she wants if she just LETS things happen and stops worrying about all the bad things that can go wrong. She took control of her life.
Today, she is happier than she ever has been, because of that she has lost weight and is slowly becoming more and more confident. The moral of the story here is that life will never be fair and it will never be easy. We all have our own battles to fight. Granted, some of us have a harder battle than others, but you have to trust that you will get through everything you face. Think about it. All of the struggles you mentioned in your post are in your past. You have made it through all of them. You are still here today to talk about them. You may not immediately realize it, but you are a stronger person now. Give yourself more credit, enjoy the life you have been blessed with. I would like you to try every morning when you wake up to to run through the things you can be thankful for. Before your feet even touch the floor you can be thankful: -You could open your eyes and see everything around you. -You could breathe without a struggle and on your own. -You could move all of your limbs and your fingers and your toes. -You have a bed and a blanket to sleep in and keep you warm at night. -You have a roof over your head. -You have food in your fridge for when you get up. -You are alive for another day to seize and enjoy it however you want. Don't let that go to waste! Let the man in your life support and love you! Treasure that because people will search their entire lives for someone that loves them and will support them in whatever way they need it. Start eating more protein to help with your hunger. Google is an amazing resource to find low carb and high protein meals. Here's a great pin that has a ton of ideas for simple meals and snacks you can start to incorporate into your days. You should go for walks with your guy too! It'll help clear your mind and also get some activity in. Start small and build up, every little effort makes a dent! I hope reading this inspires you to think about things in a different manner. I know you have had a very, very, difficult past, but it's just that. Your past only influences your future if you let it. Allow yourself to LIVE YOUR LIFE! Think about it this way: Life is like sitting on a train. If you were on the train and it gets dark in a tunnel for a few minutes, you wouldn't just rip up your ticket and jump off the train! You wait and eventually you come out of the tunnel and it's light again. Hurting yourself is not the answer! I wish you all the best and as always, would like you to keep in touch! All the Best, Rock