Ask Doc Rock | Torn.
Dear Doc Rock,
My family means the world to me and I have sacrificed a lot to help out in anyway! However, a few years back we endured a very painful loss and everything changed. My parents went from being loving and caring to completely numb and distant. I totally understand and don't say much but, I have a baby and they are not as loving and caring as I would like them to be with him. They don't help me as much as I would like due to the fact I am crazy busy and barely catch a break! I understand that when I decided to have my child I took that on, but would like a little more help seeing how they do more for my siblings' kids than mine!
I live with my parents and am afraid of leaving them because I don't know if they can take care of themselves seeing as they are completely out of it and plus I want to buy my house because all of our beautiful memories are here; I want my kids to grow up in my childhood home!
Living here has been rough, and at times, heart-wrenching! We constantly have blow outs about this but they will never see my side. My family is my everything and when I battle myself, moving out breaks my heart even more! I am married and we moved home to help my parents get through the rough times but not this is taking a toll on my marriage as well! I'm confused and don't know what to do!! HELP!! Sincerely, Confused and Saddened
It's really sad to hear when families have turmoil.
I can understand why you feel the way you do. It must be increasingly frustrating to keep putting yourself under strain just to help and then not feel appreciated all with a new child and I'm sure a career you maintain to provide.
I obviously have no idea what happened to cause such a rift, but understand that this happens all the time in family life. The difference comes when you are able to sit down with your parents and truly tell them how you feel. Fighting accomplishes nothing. Things are worked out best when no one screams and everyone has their chance to talk. I think sometimes we get to this point in our lives when we feel we have to choose between helping others and helping ourselves. My personal belief is that you can't give others your 100% if you're not 100%. You're not being selfish at this point in expecting your parents to be more loving toward you and your little family. After all, love should be unconditional.
If you can't first resolve your problems with your parents by having the much-needed conversation, you could attempt to go to counseling because sometimes a mediator is needed to keep the tension down.
I also think you need to talk to your spouse about how things have been lately. The last thing you want to do is alienate them and make theme feel as though they are forgotten. If you take the time for each of you to tell the other where they are at emotionally and mentally, then I think you can come to great middle ground and a solution. I truly hope everything gets resolved for you. I hate to see families in distress. Remember that they were there for you first in life and they have always been there since. Repair what you can and stay positive about the outlook.